Even when life is looking up, I still have a difficult time looking on the bright side. I could list 50 things going right, but I dwell on the 10 that are going wrong. That’s just me. That’s just my nature. No matter how hard I try to change, it feels like on a cellular level, that’s just who I am–just part of my DNA. I’m just never ENOUGH for anyone or anything. For myself.
I’m starting to compile my poetry for publication in a book. I’m over the moon excited about it, but as usual, my old friends, doubt and depression rear their ugly heads and I can’t seem to find a way to be happy about it. I have a job i like, but it’s still difficult for me to get out of bed most mornings and do my work. I have to force my feet onto the floor and force myself to sit down at my computer and do my daily duties. I’m still happily married and my husband is the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life, besides my sons. But, I always feel like I’m not good enough for him. Like he deserves so much better than this borderline, roller coaster, hurricane of a person that I am.
Stranger at My Door
I wonder if I would recognize happiness if she showed up on my doorstep
Like an old friend in faded jeans and a t-shirt
Holding a plate of cookies and a bottle of wine.
I hear the doorbell ring and slowly move the curtain
Peering through the glass pane
She’s standing there with a face almost familiar.
Like someone I may have known in another time, another place
An old acquaintance perhaps?
A faded memory runs across my mind like an old movie reel.
I think I know her from somewhere long ago
In days of sandboxes and water sprinklers,
A time before I walked into the darkness.
Maybe she won’t see me standing there,
If I don’t answer, she’ll give up and stop trying
She’ll leave me alone and let me be.