Fluidity

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water-880462_1920

 

 

I went to the water to find peace–

somewhere in the waves,

where the sun fades and the noise becomes hollow.

 

I went to the water to find resilience–

like the aqua liquidity bending and shaping

to whatever it encounters.

 

I went to the water to find a sense of permanence–

like the lasting effect of years upon years of continuous movement,

that leaves its mark on all it touches.

 

I went to the water to find something, anything–

grasping for something concrete to hold onto

or finally letting go forever.

 

I went to the water to find comfort—

but in between the droplets, I found myself.

 

Contradiction

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I sit in isolation-

(surrounded by the masses)-

desperately looking for companionship-

(exhausted by  the interaction).

 

 

An imitation of a person.

Passionate, yet apathetic.

Loving, yet spiteful.

 

Tedious days melt into dark nights

and I’m a remnant of who I once was.

 

 

 

 

Steel Blue

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I still catch a glimpse of her sometimes….

behind the steel blue cage.

The girl I once was

staring back at the woman she never thought she’d become.

A woman who lost her hopes and dreams

in a black, murky sea.

Carrying too much baggage in her heart

and in her skin.

Weighed down as she tried to swim to shore,

tried to escape the grasping tides.

That girl looks sad and lost,

wanting to see the world again-

wanting to see herself again.

Instead, the stranger stares back and once again

she loses hope of ever escaping.

Battle Scars

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My complete lack of self-esteem.

My insecurity in relationships and in myself.

My inability to trust.

My black and white thinking.

My sadness inside my happiness.

The pit in my soul that is never filled.

My hatred of mirrors.

My second guessing of everything and everyone—-

I didn’t choose these things.

They made me. They envelope me.

They consume me.

I camouflage them in smiles and nice things,

hoping no one will notice the bumps and bruises.

But where do they end and I begin?

Black and White

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There are no grays for me—

no in-between moments.

I live in a world of extremes

full of black and white, good and bad, all or nothing.

My heart is either too full or completely empty,

my mind—devoid or in abundance.

No one understands, no one can fathom

the energy it takes each day to stay afloat.

To not lose myself in the depravity and hopelessness,

yet get caught in such overwhelming beauty that it hurts.

I’m up and down, in and out–

enemies with my own mind and soul.

Longing for gray.

 

The Monster I Know

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He lies in wait for me every day

looking for that perfect chance to attack.

Waiting

Ready to strike at the

first sign of weakness.

I try to fight.

I see him coming from the corner of my eye-

his yellow eyes

with nothing behind them

void of love, of feeling, of happiness.

I try to run, I try to fight-

flailing my arms, screaming at the top of my lungs,

hoping someone will hear

someone will help.

But, he’s my enemy-

mine and mine alone.

With one full swoop of his claws,

grip tightening around my throat,

fear in every cell of my body,

he has me.

I am his.

I am defeated.

My world goes dark.